Saturday, December 23, 2023

Merry Merry Ducky Wucky Christmas Marinade

There's nothing like duck at Christmas! Buy a bunch of duck thighs, preferably the French kind. There are a lot of complicated marinades on the net, but this one's easy:

Put plain sesame oil in a little pan. Heat. How much? Oh, around a half a cup. (Not the dark roasted kind! The neutral kind).

Slice in lots of garlic plus one little red onion. Stir. Squeeze a bunch of oranges into the pot; pour in at least half a bottle of maple syrup. 

Add a sprig or two of thyme and one or two of rosemary and any other nice-looking flavor packet you have lying around. Somebody gave me organic spice packets and one of them had a lot of rosemary and oregano and thyme; I threw in that one. 

Taste. Yum! Maybe a dash more maple syrup, and slosh in some red wine. 

Add in the duck and turn it over in the marinade, making sure each piece is coated. The whole thing will look like this: 



Just cover the bowl and let the duck cool its heels overnight in the fridge--later on, arrange in a baking dish; you can sear them in a pan first if you like, then bake at about 350 for over an hour . . . maybe even one and a half hours, depending on your oven. Keep checking. Enjoy. If you're feeling ambitious, make a gravy out of the leftover marinade (add a little flour, stir over low heat until it's a nice consistency).  Alternatively (and this is what I ended up doing): lift the thighs out of the marinade, sear them in olive oil in a Dutch oven, toss in a little flour, add the marinade plus a tad of broth concentrate or powder, and cook nearly covered, turning occasionally, for about an hour. It was good!

Sunday, December 10, 2023

Winter Chicken Serenaded by Vegetables

 This is generally yummy, but also particularly good for ladies on chemo who have what I call "Mr. Allnutt Syndrome" or worse. You remember the scene in The African Queen: Mr. Allnutt's stomach gurgles loudly while he's enjoying tea and toast with the ultra-proper missionary lady and her staid brother. 

So if the chemo's getting to your digestive tract, here's a recipe that helps--the basic idea being varied vegetables, a round one, a leafy one and a root one at least once a day (and cooked! Not raw). For example, onions, squashes, cabbage are round. Leafy greens: kale, bokchoy, spinach, Swiss chard, mache, lettuces, parsley. Root: carrots, parsnips, celery root, burdock. There are others. 

Here's my recipe:

Into a medium-sized rectangular Pyrex dish put:

•a little olive oil--rub around just enough to coat the bottom of the dish

•one or two red onions sliced into fourths

•washed, slightly chopped parsley

•lightly boiled small potatoes, carrots, chunks of celery root

On top of all this, put four (or more) chicken legs that have been salted, peppered, and cooling their heels in a dish in your fridge overnight. Not essential to leave them that long, but the skin will be crispier if you do.

Squeeze a lemon over all and bake at about 190ºC. or 375ºF for 45 minutes to an hour. Check the chicken with a digital thermometer. Should be at 175ºF or about 79ºC.

Enjoy!


 

Wednesday, December 6, 2023

Another George Floyd Narrative: The Fall of Minneapolis

This is a typical response to Liz Collin's recent film, "The Fall of Minneapolis," which the New York Times has ignored, but which Glenn Loury and John McWhorter have been discussing, here and here.  Or here, if it's already been removed from the other places.

The basic thesis--backed up with the full toxicology report on George Floyd, revealed  a heart condition, atheroschlerosis, and levels of fentanyl and other drugs that could have killed him if he'd been sitting home in an armchair. 

But he kicked an officer. He agitatedly resisted arrest--I can see that; the full bodycam videos in the film show him arguing in the confused way that drunks do. He insisted he'd been shot during a previous arrest, which was either a delusion, an irrational fear, or a lie. The cop yelled, "Getcha fuckin' hands on the wheel!" and Floyd continued to wave them around and whine, "Don't shoot me."

Both were behaving badly. Language, officer! Narcotics Anonymous, George Floyd!

Would George Floyd have died so quickly if he'd been sitting up? And if he had died sitting up, would his death have been understood as inevitable?

I always thought this case was about a sadistic cop--not racism. But what if it's about a distracted or careless cop, or a cop who was blindly following the manual, and nobody realized George Floyd had just swallowed a bunch of pills in order to prevent them being discovered? There is that moment in the film catching white stuff dissolving on Floyd's tongue and foam around his mouth. The toxicology report in the film indicates he had very high levels of drugs in his system, but the one by a pulmonologist (here's the NPR version of that: https://www.npr.org/sections/trial-over-killing-of-george-floyd/2021/04/08/985347984/chauvin-trial-medical-expert-says-george-floyd-died-from-a-lack-of-oxygen) says the pressure on his body, coupled with his position on the ground, caused his death. And that he could tolerate huge amounts of drugs, amounts that would have killed a first-time user, and that he'd have behaved sluggishly if he'd really felt intoxicated. Then there's the condition of his heart and the fact he'd had COVID. 

My head is spinning. George Floyd was clearly no angel; I can try to imagine being a cop and thinking "If I sit him up, he can jump up and kick me again." But then again, one of the younger cops said, "Shouldn't we roll him over and check his pulse?" Was Chauvin careless or negligent? Or was he just trying to prevent Floyd from a greater mobility that would have created more difficulties --while wondering where the heck the damn ambulance was?

It looks as though George Floyd was an unknown quantity--a large, muscular man who denied being high but who looked high, and who appears to have swallowed a handful of pills as he was being arrested--and these pills were taking effect the whole time, but since he denied being on drugs, the police waited 36 seconds to call the ambulance. Which got there very late--then--and this is on film--the team bungled the treatment, since the oxygen tube was used improperly--that is, not unpacked, so that he did not receive oxgen. 

What impresses me most is the interviews with the many former police officers of the third precinct, and the few who have remained on the force. They all seemed straightforward, deeply wounded, and not remotely racist. The film is worth watching just for those interviews. 


Friday, November 24, 2023

On Being a Covid Virgin

Which is what I still am! Despite a single known exposure. Yes, got the latest vaccination a month ago. I hopped on the get-one-with-your-flu shot bandwagon, because the nice pharmacy lady recommended it.

Thanks to her, I'm up to my fifth round of Covid vaccinations, but my American compatriots tell me they're on their sixth or seventh.

Here's my theory about why I still don't have Covid--and it's pure guesswork:

(1) I wear an FFP2 mask or a KN95 whenever I'm on the tram or in the supermarket.

(2) I spend lots of my time alone or outside.

(3) At the gym, I take the cross-trainer near the open window.

(4) I eat my vegetables, get my protein, and don't drink to excess.

(5) I have Type O blood.

(6) I enjoy myself.

That's it! Next week I may be singing a different song . . .

Monday, November 6, 2023

Reposted: A Book Review Setting a Record Straight

Dear Readers, 

Whenever I wrote a book review, I'm drawn like a magnet to "just the facts" and that magnet has taken me through a series of unfortunate misconceptions to my fact-based view of things. Since Areo magazine is alas shutting down, I'm reposting my work here:

A Series of Unfortunate Misunderstandings: Rafia Zakaria’s “Against White Feminism”

Rafia Zakaria’s Against White Feminism begins with a story. She has been invited to a “warm and cheerful” Manhattan wine bar, but worries that the women she is with will find her “uptight” for ordering Diet Coke and declining to partake of their pitcher of sangria. The only woman of colour and the only Muslim at the table, Zakaria announces that she’s “on medications.” Smiling broadly, she assures the other women that ordinarily she’d love a drink.

What she tells the reader is different. She feels discomfort, she writes. The sangria order is, for her, “the first hurdle” of many.

When the bill comes, she is expected to pay an equal share. Nobody remembers that she only had a Diet Coke. Zakaria sees that as a slight. But is there a woman alive who hasn’t good-naturedly split the bill with her slightly plastered pals even though she herself only had a glass of water? Zakaria does not think so. She has dedicated a book to the ways in which white feminists discount and exclude non-western women.

By the end of the first page, Zakaria has cast the other women with her at the bar as well-meaning but insensitive. A “noted feminist author” in the group looks at her “mischievously” and asks “conspiratorially” what her story is—“as if I’ve been hiding some tantalizing mystery.” She lets the reader—but not her interlocutor—know that she hates this question, and believes an honest answer to be “glaringly inappropriate for the wine bar and my prettily dressed, slightly soused, fashionably woke companions.”

In fact, her story is tragically common. At seventeen, in Karachi, she agreed to an arranged marriage with an older man. He “allowed” her to go to college after they moved to the US, but clearly resented her education, wouldn’t let her go on to law school, and later became so abusive that she left for a women’s shelter with only her toddler and a bag of toys.

When, she claims, she has occasionally “told the whole truth” to educated white feminists, they have always reacted with serious, shocked looks and then quickly changed the subject or made a hurried departure. She diagnoses “an aversion to lived trauma” that “permeates white feminism.” But this type of reaction is not unique to white feminism. What Zakaria accurately records is a flawed but frequent human response to tragedy that will be familiar to anyone who has lost a family member. How many well-meaning friends, learning of my husband’s death, clutched my arm, burst into tears and needed me to comfort them? How many, with round scared eyes, said, “You know, we could cry together”? How many simply stared, frozen, so identified with my grief they couldn’t speak? I lost track. It’s not easy for friends to stay calm and say, “Sorry for your loss.” The more they care about you, the more your friends are liable to say the wrong thing.

This is a scholarly book. By page 9, Zakaria is quoting Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak’s opinions of Europeans, talking about their assumptions about the “other,” describing narratives of “white men saving brown women.” Yet she herself regards the women with whom she went to the wine bar as “other”—but assumes that she knows them.

While Spivak explores “the ways in which colonial populations … are unable in any sense to ‘speak,’” Zakaria is “interested in examining how women of color today are given some chances to speak, but are still not heard.” But Zakaria’s encounter at the wine bar reveals not the other women’s unwillingness to listen but her own unwillingness to speak. She experiences their friendly questions as barbed because she has decided in advance that they will never understand her. She feels her “rising anger” at “having to ‘keep it light’ and accommodate the expectations of people unfamiliar with all the things that can and do go wrong for women like me.” Her anger grows even as she says “breezily” that she married young and that he was “a jerk,” rolling her eyes as she reports that she divorced him and never looked back. When the other women respond with “good for you,” she feels patronized. She assumes that they could never have handled the full story, and blames them for the performance she herself chose to put on, the mistrust that is all her own. She justifies her behaviour by citing Spivak, whose theoretical framework “undergirds much of this book.” Zakaria assumes from the start that the women at the wine bar will never understand her—and that, even if they do, they will simply want to be white saviours.

Her first chapter, entitled, “In the Beginning, There Were White Women,” criticizes the feminist playwright Eve Ensler, of Vagina Monologues fame. Ensler’s sin? In a 2007 article for Glamour,  on rape in the Congo, Ensler asks “How do I convey these stories?” Zakaria interprets this as the writer focusing “the attention on herself” and setting herself up as a “white savior,” who presumes to speak for non-white women instead of letting them speak for themselves. By calling attention to their plight, Ensler is simply “virtue signalling.”

In Chapter Two, “Is Solidarity a Lie?” Zakaria complains about a time when she was invited to give a “small talk” at an informal college event. She felt slighted because the white woman organizing the event chided her for arriving late and was disappointed that she was “not in your native clothes” (which—if true—is indeed a tacky comment). The event turned out to be a “free wine” affair, in a hall filled with small tables, each devoted to a different developing country. Attendees drifted from one table to another. Zakaria got her own Pakistan table—but she didn’t get to go up to the podium and deliver her prepared speech.

This must have been very frustrating. But many of us academics have experienced similar bait-and-switches: organizers say they want a prepared speech, but when you get there you’re just expected to chat, eat olives and drink rotgut wine. Nobody is interested in the talk you so carefully prepared; you leave wishing you’d stayed at home with Netflix. But for Zakaria it was traumatic. She recalls sitting in her car weeping and “can still feel the burning shame” she felt that day.

Zakaria defines a white feminist as “someone who refuses to consider the role that whiteness and the racial privilege attached to it have played, and continue to play, in universalizing white feminist concerns, agendas and beliefs as those of all of feminism and all feminists,” citing as examples Simone de Beauvoir, Kate Millett and Betty Friedan, who, Zakaria argues, were instrumental in “establishing the white woman as the woman—the universal subject of feminism.”

But Zakaria seems to be confusing western political and social values with white people. For all de Beauvoir’s insights into existential philosophy, de Beauvoir, Zakaria claims, was blind to the concerns of women of colour. She asserts that de Beauvoir’s “belief in Western cultural supremacy and the essentialization of the white woman as the model for all women became baked into the very epistemology of feminism” and that her successors Friedan and Millett understand women to be “[white] women like her.” But de Beauvoir is interested in the universal category of women, which encompasses women of all ethnicities:

Economically, men and women almost form two castes … the former have better jobs, higher wages, and greater chances to succeed … they occupy many more places in industry, in politics, and so forth, and they hold the most important positions. In addition to their concrete power, they are invested with a prestige whose tradition is reinforced by the child’s whole education: the present incorporates the past, and in the past all history was made by males. [Emphasis mine.]

For de Beauvoir, women are a class, like the proletariat, but one with even deeper historical roots:

There have not always been proletarians: there have always been women; they are women by their physiological structure; as far back as history can be traced, they have always been subordinate to men.

Her focus throughout The Second Sex is on the experiences that all women have in common, by virtue of their shared biology and history of oppression. This takes different forms in different regions of the world and at different times, but shares the same origin in the subordination of one sex to the other.

Zakaria is disturbed by de Beauvoir’s “thoughtless reiterations” of stereotypes about the Orient which de Beauvoir describes as “separate, eccentric, backward, silently indifferent, femininely penetrable.” Alluding to de Beauvoir’s characterization of the history of women in India and China as a “long and unchanging slavery,” Zakaria asks, “Was she not aware that, two years prior to her book’s publication, Indian women had managed to overthrow the British Empire and won the franchise?” But although Indian women did indeed obtain the right to vote in 1947, fewer than 3% of them actually voted.

Other oppressive practices also persisted. Individual cases of sati happened as late as 2008. In China, the practice of foot-binding, though outlawed in 1912, was still occurring the year that de Beauvoir’s book appeared; in rural Chinese villages the practice did not end until the 1950s. A few women with bound feet were still alive in 2016. There was indeed, then—and still is—a tradition of brutality against women in many non-western cultures.

Zakaria rightly points out some policy failures on the part of western feminists working for charities in developing countries—though she is wrong to attribute these to racism. In her third chapter, “The White Savior Industrial Complex and the Ungrateful Brown Feminist,” she relates that would-be do-gooders in India—among them “development professionals, NGOs, and the United Nations”—launched a scheme to eradicate wood-burning stoves and replace them with environmentally friendlier options, such as electrical or gas stoves. “But no one asked the women who did the cooking whether they wanted the new stoves,” Zakaria points out. In fact, the Indian women did not want them, partly because wood-gathering provided them with opportunities to socialise and because they found it difficult to cook certain favourite recipes using the new ovens. (Similar instances are cited in Zakaria’s sixth chapter, “Honour Killings, FGC and White Feminist Supremacy.”) But this isn’t a white saviour problem—it’s a communication problem.

A sense of victimization dominates Zakaria’s book, although, curiously, when she discusses girls subjected to female genital mutilation (FGM), she seems to want to minimize the extent of this horrifying practice. Zakaria is right that, in the west, “anyone trying to introduce the complexities of the issue into the debate is discredited as a secret supporter of the practice.” This is clearly illogical. “A small nick or cut for cultural or religious rituals,” while also to be firmly condemned is “not wildly distinct from the traditional practice of a bris for male Jewish infants.” The most common form of FGM, which involves making a small pinprick or nick in the clitoral hood, is less invasive than male circumcision and not, as Zakaria rightly points out, “the moral equivalent of full clitoridectomies.” But she is wrong to insist that only a “tiny percentage” of Arab and African women undergo infant genital cutting. In November 2019, Reuters reported that one in five women aged 15–49 in Kenya had undergone FGM and according to the 2020 Somali Health and Demographic Survey, 99% of women under age 49 in Somalia have been subjected to FGM—most of them at between ages five and nine. In February 2021, the UN Women’s Report revealed that 92% of those Egyptian women aged 15–49 who were or had been married had undergone FGM.

Zakaria is right to suggest that the most lasting cultural changes usually come from within communities, rather than being imposed from outside. Yet the history of sati suggests that this is not always the case. Zakaria argues that, in 1829, when the British criminalised the practice, it was “rare in India … Large parts of the country did not practice the barbaric ritual at all.” But some contemporary estimates put the total number of cases at between 10,000 and 100,000. The scholar Syed Hussain Shaheed Soherwordi that there were around 33,000 incidents in 1810. There was even the high-profile case of Roop Kanwar in 1987, which led the Indian government to enact a new law against the practice.

Zakaria views domestic violence in the west and honour killings in the developing world as comparable:

Honour and ego, no one seems to have noticed, are iterations of the same forces of patriarchal dominance. ‘Honour’ makes sense to those in a collectivist society; ‘ego’ to those who live in an individualistic one.

But there is a significant difference between the contexts in which these two kinds of violence occur. In the west, domestic violence is considered a violation of a woman’s rights and is punishable by law. In many countries in which honour killings occur, they are sanctioned by family, tribe and community and the wishes and rights of individual women are considered irrelevant. Western law may fail to protect women from domestic violence—but in many societies in which honour killings occur, there is not even a credible attempt to prevent these crimes.

Women in such societies who make choices that would be legally protected in the west—to go to college or choose a romantic partner, for instance—may be injured or killed. Zakaria asserts that the definition of honour killing given by Human Rights Watch—“acts of violence, usually murder, committed by male family members against female family members who are perceived to have brought dishonour upon the family”—makes the “implicit white assumption” that such killings are specific to people of colour. But this ignores the fact that these are differences not of skin colour but of political and cultural expectations.

In her conclusion, “On Fear and Futures,” Zakaria expresses “foreboding” about separating women into “white women and women of color.” She is concerned, she writes, that white women might read her words as a personal attack. This white reviewer doesn’t. Many of Zakaria’s vividly told anecdotes ring true. But she is wrong to blame white feminism for much of the oppression women of colour suffer—instead of the oppressive political and cultural beliefs and practices of the societies they come from. She is right that women in the west are not always guaranteed fair treatment either. But the culprit is not whiteness nor are white feminists to blame.

Sunday, October 29, 2023

October Seventh and the Sad History

Trying to say where the Palestine-Israeli conflict began, some start with the Bible, some with the ancient Romans, (for the Hollywood version, see the 1959 Ben Hur, though in some quarters calling the main character, Judah Ben-Hur, Jewis, is controversial. For a scholarly version of the story, see this) some with the Ottoman Empire, some with the British Mandate for Palestine and, beginning in 1917, events leading up to the 1948 establishing of the state of Israel.

Most young people haven't heard of Yitzhak Rabin. Probably not the mobs mixing up Palestine with Hamas and calling for the decolonization of Palestine.

The 1995 assassination of Yitzhak Rabin, the fifth prime minister of Israel, is where I'd begin: he and President Clinton, immersed in the Oslo Peace Accords, appeared to be close to forging peace between Israelis and Palestinians when Rabin was shot by a right-wing Israeli extremist. I sat watching his funeral, listening to his granddaughter's eulogy, hoping things wouldn't get much worse.

Israel is the size of New Jersey. The Gaza strip is about the size of Las Vegas. And yet these tiny portions of land are the crucible of world politics. Arabic and Hebrew are classed by linguists as "Semitic" languages--they are related. To hint at the notion these two peoples are related  does nothing to lessen the violence and bloodshed consuming them, but I wish what they have in common could lead to respect, if not love.

These things are true: Hamas stands for hatred and destruction, and will sacrifice its own people for anything. Israel believes in love of God and humanity. The only working democracy in the Middle East--even with Netanyahu still in power--it is an ally to Western Europe and the United States. Perfect justice is not possible now, if it ever was. 1948 was a catastrophe for the Palestinian people but it's a done deal. I still believe, even now, it is possible to find a compromise leading to peace. I'm whistling in the dark.

 

Saturday, October 7, 2023

Cancer Lady and Captain Tactful: More Adventures at the Gym

Bald me in my red cancer lady hat was minding my own business on the cross trainer when who should appear but Mr. Foot-Firmly-Fixed-in Mouth, yet again--he of the gracious comments such as "You've gained weight! But, uh, you look good!" 

Fixing me with his customary look of shocked displeasure, he said, "Oh, you are wearing a hat? Did you lose your hair? Are you healthy?"

"Three guesses," said I.

"But you--did you remove your hair? That's uh, a nice hat."

"Three guesses," said I.

He wandered off with a very puzzled expression. 

I upped my limit on the cross trainer, did all my exercises, and headed home thinking "oy, is this the dating pool?" I think I won't get my toes wet.

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Trodelvy Hair Loss, or Call Me Tufty

 Yes, that's what's left--some tufts in odd places, and if you've seen the Kenneth Branagh version of Frankenstein, you remember Bride Elizabeth after her transformation, when the ambitious young doctor and the monster are fighting over her:


I now share her hairdo--actually, she has a tad more hair than I do. On the upside, my face is more symmetrical. 

I hear some lose eyebrows, eyelashes, even nose hair--one guy said, "it's always dripping" since there's nary a hair in his nostrils. 

But somebody else got to keep her eyebrows and eyelashes! Me, I'll carry on with the mascara as long as I can. I must say, I like everything about this drug but the hair loss. I had no side effects, and for a week or longer after my second infusion I felt no sign of that slightly crawly feeling . . . as if a tiny creature or two had taken up residence in my scalp and decided to tickle each follicle. Combed my hair like always and it felt normal. Starting to imagine the hospital pharmacy had made some mistake (just given me saline!) I was almost relieved when, toweling off after a shower, I wondered where all that hair on my face was coming from. Oh. My head. 

But I'm going to the gym and my tap dance class. A symptom dogging me since my Ibrance days, sudden breathlessness, has disappeared. I actually have more stamina. This stuff is supposed to attack only cancer cells, as opposed to slaughtering other cells who just happen to be in the neighborhood. Maybe the treatment's working? In any case it's nice to have plenty of energy--I can use it.

Wednesday, September 13, 2023

The Perfect Meal for Trodelvy-ites

 You've got to see it to believe it: 


Yes, that's cold (refrigerated, leftover) sticky rice piled high with Kimchi. Yes, these kinds:



The one on the left is "mild"--meaning very sour but not the kind setting your mouth on fire. The one on the right with the the lid that makes it look like Bonne Maman jam is full of fire--when I popped the lid, I could see the fermentation bubbling. This kind of kimchi is special; as a Korean friend said, "it hurts going in and it hurts coming out." This is true; you feel that peppery burn at both ends of the alimentary canal.

Why is this meal so delicious? Why am I heading back into the kitchen right now, breaking off typing for just one more spoonful of the stuff on the left? "Ha, ha, like a pregant woman!" I said. And a nurse said. And my friends said. Which got me wondering, naturally, what on earth a 66-year-old postmenopausal woman has in common with a pregnant one. You'd think nothing. The whole business of my treatment has been to block estrogen, the hormone feeding the cancer. A pregnant woman's estrogen levels rise sharply in early pregancy. Which is, believe me, not the state I'm in. 

But maybe estrogen, or a need for estrogen, has something to do with my current cravings--and wow, are those cravings strong. I walk into my apartment and can smell the kimchi even before I open the refrigerator. Those jars are tightly screwed shut. "What a lovely aroma!" I pause to inhale, knowing most people would wonder "What's that awful stink?" It's the delicious fermenting heavily garlicked peppery spice of kimchi, elixer of the gods!

Without yesterday's dose of Trodelvy, however, I doubt I'd feel this way. I liked kimchi before, but in small doses, and I didn't eat it all the time. Now I'm gobbling it. Exhilerating. 

I listened to a podcast suggesting a beneficial effect of light doses of estrogen in breast cancer. Listening to this while dozing, I woke right up. It turned out the guy who invented Tamoxifen discovered that when the drug failed, light doses of estrogen helped push back the cancer. Can this be?

Sounds like a hair of the dog that bit you. But maybe. Maybe. 

Monday, September 4, 2023

Days of Trodelvy and Hair Loss

It's been great having hair, even if it looks like a toilet brush. But I'll be Yul-Brynnerish sometime in the next twelve days. So long, eyebrows! Been good to know you. Bye-bye eyelashes. Hello, looks-like-I-chugged five Schnapps look (the cortisone to combat nausea). Hello snoring (the anti-allergenic). 

"Trodelvy"--they all have such evocative names, these cancer drugs. I think of trolls digging and delving somewhere underground, Grieg's Hall of the Mountain Kings playing in the background. 

I'm not far off with "dig and delve" either. My doctor is digging deep for the right drug and everybody's delving for another rabbit to whip out of a hat. But remember that children's rhyme:

One, two, buckle my shoe,

Three, four, shut the door

Five, six, pick up sticks

Seven, eight, lay them straight

Nine, ten, a big fat hen

Eleven, twelve, dig and delve . . . .

The rhyme goes on, but by the time you're on your eleventh or twelfth line of treatment, they're starting the real dig-and-delve. 

The Trodelvy experience, so far, hasn't been anywhere near as bad as Avastin, Paclitaxel, Epirubicin, Cyclophosphamide, or the capacetabine or the Letrozole or the Ibrance and the Faslodex or the Everolimus/Exemestane combo. Or the Enhertu, which my lawyer twisted my insurance company's arm to get. Thank you, wonderful lawyer! If only the stuff had worked.

The Trodelvy doesn't make me feel that bad, actually. Maybe I'll even go to the gym. If it works, yay! If it doesn't, I'm up the proverbial creek without the fabled paddle. 




Friday, August 25, 2023

First Cold After Covid

I never had it and my rapid test says I don't have it now. But I do have something. I woke up with a stuffy nose, a scratchy throat and the kind of malaise that makes you want to pull the covers over your head and wake up two days later. Hoping to stave off the incipient cold, I had a glass of red wine and a bowl of chicken-flavored ramen noodles when I woke up with the feeling, around two a.m., that I was coming down with something. Both soothed my throat, but the only real cure is time . . . the cups of fruit tea with honey, lemon and ginger I will drink, the mugs of scalding hot water with salt I will gargle, will make me feel I'm battling my enemy. That feeling of being virtuous will decrease the dullness of recovery. It was so hot and humid on the trains returning from Slovenia, which has terrific museums in Llubjana, the gorgeous Julian Alps and the dreamy Adriatic sea, that I didn't wear a mask, but I'm taking up mask-wearing again. Can't hurt.

Tuesday, August 8, 2023

Favorite Three-Second Protein Salad

Colorful, too:

Assemble: two packs of cocktail shrimp, one ripe avocado, one big lemon, a handful of washed spinach, a dash or two of olive oil, salt and pepper.

Cut the avocado, scoop out by the teaspoon. Open the two packs of shrimp. (This took an extra second, since I got olive oil on my hands). Add shrimp; add spinach. Swirl in a little olive oil. Cut and squeeze the lemon; add salt and pepper. Toss.

Serve with a glass of chilled white wine

Thursday, July 27, 2023

Sinéad O' Connor: Requiescat in Pace

It'll be seven hours and fifteen days (at least) before I can think about the apparent suicide of Sinéad O' Connor without a certain resentment. How could she? How could she do that to herself? To her children? After they'd all already lost her son, Shane? The beautiful voice. The guts to rip up a photo of the pope onstage.

I wish she hadn't deprived us all of her company. The despair was all too obvious, but her personality was so large no one succeeded in containing the destructive parts. "Loneliness is a crowded room," is a saying she says she understood after becoming famous. In her 2020 interview with Tommy Tiernan she admitted to having been "very lonesome" and "seriously in danger of dying" and to trying anything, in public, to stay alive. She mentioned a poem a woman wrote about blending into the plaster in her family home. Tiernan brought up "acute pain"and she confessed to this too, and to having agoraphobia. She didn't "nurture friendships," she said, and then most people didn't "like me," and she didn't trust people: "I'm not really good at making friends."  

She described herself as a Muslim, saying: "Muslims believe nothing in this world should be worshipped but God, and that's how I feel." 

The picture of the pope she ripped up on Saturday Night Live came from the wall of her mother's room. I can see how ripping up what her mean mother worshipped--or affected to worship--could be deeply satisfying; "fight the real enemy" she said,


And yes: a bunch of men and women sworn to celibacy and granted authority are not all bad, but they aren't on a good path. O'Connor dared to say so to a religious American audience in 1992, to make people aware of child abuse a good ten years before most media outlets paid attention to the Magdalen laundries, the dead babies, the abuse of effeminate boys and rebellious girls. Holding that pope responsible was one brave move.

Sunday, July 23, 2023

New Substack on Banned Children's Books

Dear Readers, 

The Critical Mom will continue to provide "every thought I ever had" on current events, personal experiences, and favorite recipes. I've also launched a new substack, The Beautiful and the Banned, on favorite but "challenged" children's books. The ones I loved in kindergarten, the ones I read my children, the ones most people--not me--think endorse "colonialism" or "racism," terms whose definition has been stretched beyond recognizability, to the point where they're practically meaningless. For example, the artist, academic and civil rights leader Julius Lester, in his afterword to Sam and the Tigers, his charming version of Helen Bannerman's classic, Little Black Sambo, wrote, "many whites had loved Little Black Sambo as children, and were afraid their love of it made them racists now." Of course it didn't (writes this admirer of one of the best children's books of all time.) Each new post of my substack will explore why some poor falsely accused book should never have been challenged.  When I read, "many teachers have removed the book from their classrooms," as I did of Claire Huchet Bishop's fabulous The Five Chinese Brothers, then I'll be urging you to put it back on yours. Enjoy The Beautiful and the Banned and consider becoming a paid subscriber.

 


Tuesday, July 11, 2023

Post-Chemo Exercise: When You Get Comments

The last post commented on friendly comments you get after chemo. Here's one on the honest observations. The kind only a child could make. Or an oddball.

During chemo, exercise consisted in a short walk to the grocery store, after which I fell asleep on the sofa. On bad days, I walked the length of my room before thinking "time for a nap."

When chemo ended, my energy returned. After four months of relative sloth, I was back at the gym on the cross trainer. 

"You've changed your hair!" said an old guy I hadn't seen since before chemo. His face, a mask of horror, made me smile; I'm tired of people saying, "Oh, a new haircut!" or "your hair looks so punk!" 

As if my steel-wool locks could possibly be intentional. 

The next time I went to the gym, I'd just done my ten minutes on the cross-trainer when the old dude turned up again, looking me up in down. 

"You know, I have to tell you something!" he said. "You've gained some weight!"

I didn't mention the common misconception that breast cancer patients waste away. Our waistlines expand. Maybe it's the lack of activity and the comfort food. Maybe it's the estrogen blockers and the consequent slowed metabolism. Maybe anything. Most of us gain at least two kilos.

"I've been sick," I said. Why didn't I just ignore him? No idea. He startled me. I hate gaining weight. I'm female. 

"Did you change your diet or something?" Continued look of horror. "You used to be so skinny!"

"Uh, no. I guess I did gain around four kilos. I've been sick."

"Oh, but you look good!" said he. With the same expression.

"I will," I said to myself, "after a few months of the gym and no more Prosecco with dinner."

"That guy's been watching you a long time!" said my oldest friend. And we laughed.

Saturday, July 1, 2023

The Brillo Queen Look: How to Handle Comments on Your Cancer Hair

First the tips, then the explanation.

(1) Laugh. At least to yourself. Not at the person who was trying to compliment you.

(2) Reflect on the pleasant urge of women to be friendly. It's heartening. It just doesn't tell you anything about how you look.

(3) Consult the mirror. Are things that bad? Surely better than days of baldness. You can even wear mascara now.

As any woman who's been through chemo will tell you, first you're bald and then your hair grows back. Feels like porcupine prickles, so much so that when you lie down, you continue wearing those little cotton caps so the prickles don't hurt. After the porcupine phase comes the kinky hair phase. How kinky? 

Think of Brillo. The steel wool inspiring--I believe--Phyllis Diller's hairstyle:


Didn't she once call herself The Brillo Queen? I love her humor as well as her wisdom: "Comedy," she said, "is tragedy plus time."  She added, "There isn't a comic in the world who hasn't come out of tragedy," illustrating the notion with the way an irritant in an oyster shell, over time, creates a pearl.  

Look at her hair! It's pure cancer-lady hair. Mine is shorter at the moment, but she's got my style exactly. When it grows out, I'll try, as I did the last time I had chemo, to tame it with the various greases and glops marketed by my local hair salons and drug stores. 

But it will look just like Madame Diller's hair. 

And it will provoke the following (actual remarks):

 (1) "Oh, you have a new haircut!" This was meant to be friendly--uttered by a store employee at a place I hadn't been to in months. I explained, "Oh, this is just my hair growing out after chemo."

I saw I'd horrified her. I should have kept my mouth shut and said, "Thanks." I made her feel like she'd said something wrong, and I know she meant well. But how, I wondered, could anyone think what was corkscrewing out of my skull was an actual fashion statement?

(2) "Your hair looks great! So punk!" Ladies and gentlemen, the last style I wish to emulate is punk. True, I enjoy looking at punk. Walking through Berlin last weekend, I admired the tattooed people in leather and body piercings wearing black leather, rubber, and what we used to call Hooker Heels. All those people are young. They look to be under thirty. 

If you're under thirty, you can do anything you want to your hair and you'll still look like you're under thirty. 

If you're my post-menopausal age, you want to look younger. Once upon a time before cancer I had long, flowing wavy hair. That's what I want. Long. Flowing. Not Phyllis-Dillery.  

I am told my hair will eventually calm down. It was starting to do just that five years after chemo. Then I needed more chemo. On the plus side, my earrings show more with cancer lady hair.

(3) You look great!

This one deserves a smile, a thank-you, and a mirror check. It means you no longer look like you're at death's door, but your skin is drier and you have a few more lines in your face. Don't fret! Use moisteurizer and remember: when your hair is longer and contains enough glop, your wrinkles aren't quite as prominent. (I tell myself this. And it's my very favorite delusion).



 

Thursday, June 15, 2023

Your Spinal Biopsy: Six Tips

(1) Pee before you leave your hospital room. After, they won't let you, unless you're willing to put up with a bedpan.

(2) You'll be lying on your stomach with your head resting on your hands, which is the only pleasant part of the experience. When the technician sends you repeatedly in and out of the CT scanner,  your elbow goes clunk-clunk-clunk as it collides with the tunnel. The radiologist told you not to move. But discreetly inching your elbow away is, according to me, okay.

(3) Try not to shriek when they spray something freezing on your lower back. Yelp quietly if you must. 

(4) The worst part is the needle shooting in the painkiller. I'm sure I didn't sound worse than the folks who were ahead of me, whom I could hear from out in the hall. 

(5) Once the radiologist starts drilling into your lumbar region, pretend it's not you. Visions of the sadistic dentists in Little Shop of Horrors and Marathon Man may fill your head; by the time they do, however, the procedure will be over.

(6) Now is when you thought you'd get to eat. You won't! You'll lie flat on your back for at least two hours. They prefer four. After two, I begged for food so piteously that they allowed me to sit up and eat. After which--yeah, another two hours. Reading Vanity Fair helped.

Sunday, June 11, 2023

My At-Least-He's-Indicted Dinner

I had my cake and ate it, too:

Looks very real, doesn't it? But I felt the occasion called for something fake, so I made cake from a box--added eggs, milk, margarine--looks better than it tasted, but Prosecco improved it, and next time I'll do what I always do--follow a good recipe. I have the pleasure of knowing a fake's bad deeds have been officially challenged by the Justice Department. If he weasles out of a conviction or a prison sentence or both, well, then I'll consider this meal comfort food.

He who should not be named is pushing his luck, as he always does. But may truth win. Whatever happens, cake and Prosecco can help.

 

Friday, June 9, 2023

"I'm an Innocent Man Who Did Nothing Wrong"

The gangster king, whose morals are up there with the Bonannos, Colombos, Gambinos, Genoveses and Luccheses, surely has tricks up his sleeve--when did he not?--but maybe it won't be the tricks that carry him.

What may carry him is his absolute belief in himself. That impregnable certainty, that inability to doubt himself, inspires a certain astonished regard.  Even those who, like me, detest him, envy the ability to feel no shame, ever. To experience none of the humiliations of everyday life. Who wouldn't want that? 

Or maybe I'm counting my lucky stars that I feel them. Could I have a moral compass otherwise?

But it's always had a grip on the public, that bullet-proof self-confidence. Jesus seems to have had it, but then so did Napoleon. Hitler. Putin. The ones with political power were mostly male, but female narcissists have their sway--Madonna comes to mind, and I spent more of my youth than I'd care to admit wishing I could project that kind of power. 

Thirty-seven counts against the orange man (as of this writing) and at least two of his lawyers, John Rowley and Jim Trusty, quitting.

Another "Wow" moment, said a CNN reporter. 

I could sleep at night if I were absolutely certain the accused would be convicted and locked up. 


Thursday, May 11, 2023

Why Didn't Kaitlan Collins Bully the Bully?

CNN's Kaitlan Collins, "toe to toe" with the orange man, should have punched him in the nose. Articulate, polite, she was no match for a guy whose brand is not playing fair. When he doesn't play fair, you don't play fair.  When he interrupted her, she talked through him--but politely. Poised. Like a reasonable person. He yelled through much of what she said.

She allowed him to be himself. That was fatal.

This cheap bully, this gangster, knows no boundaries, has no morals, no interest in anyone or anything other than himself. Obvious as this is to half the country, it's anything but to the other half. 

Collins did nothing to change the hearts and minds of those who love the guy.

She would have had to bully him. For example, physically leaned forward in his face. Gotten a look on her own like he was a naughty little boy, she was the teacher, and she was going to wag her finger and say, "Stop lying, kid!" Instead, her face remained neutral, polite. Anything but aggressive.

This did not make a good impression with the crowd who loves him. He called her a "nasty person." Got away with that.

Remember how, during the 2016 debates, he prowled behind Hillary Clinton like a huge razorback gorilla? She tried to ignore him. She looked uncomfortable. God, how I wish she'd turned, laughed, and said, "Donald, are we having trouble standing still? Do you need to take a break or can you go back to your podium?" Or even: "Donald, get out of my space!"

That would have been very different from the "basket of deplorables" line that may have sunk her. The former is self-defense. The latter is talking down to half your potential voting bloc.

When the former POTUS acts the way he acted last night, the thing to do is either schoolmarm him into the ground or laugh at him. Break into his lies with, "Oh, come on! Do you expect me to believe that?"

Very different from saying "Nobody believes that," because he's banking on the folks who do believe. The facts, CNN, are irrelevant. The emotional hold he continues to have, the "I am 100% sure of myself and I know everything you need to know and I will tell you what you need to know and you just listen to me and I love you!" is breathtakingly powerful. You can't crack that with his loss in the E. Jean Carroll case or any other potential legal loss. He wants everyone to know he can grab any part of any woman he wants and shoot anyone he wants on Madison Avenue or anywhere else and do it all with impunity.

That is precisely his appeal. CNN, please rise to the occasion and bully him back.  


Wednesday, April 26, 2023

Bud Light's Big Shake-Up

Alissa Heinerscheid--currently on leave as marketing Vice President of Anheuser-Busch--explained in a recent podcast interview, “I had this super clear mandate: We need to evolve and elevate this incredibly iconic brand.” 

I don't know why Bud Light went into decline, but I can make an educated guess about why it formerly sold well: it offered the taste of beer with fewer calories. I assume the current market offers many alternatives to that desired goal. Heinerscheid's explanation (see her comments on the podcast; the Bud Light comments begin at 23:14) is that the brand had been sold on "fratty out of touch humor" and that "if we do not attract young drinkers" the "iconic brand" won't sell; she therefore wanted to sell it on "inclusivity." 

But that's not how things sell, unless "inclusivity" means all things to all peoples--and it doesn't. "Inclusivity" is about as controversial and difficult-to-define a term as "woke." 

A better way might have been to mount a campaign showing young people bonding over Bud Light--then using that to extend bonding in other areas. Instead, we got Dylan Mulvaney, trans influencer, whose "Days of Girlhood" portrayals of "my hiking heels" and of Eloise at the Plaza have nettled a number of viewers from a variety of political persuasions:


Dylan's quite the performer--her dance skills are extraordinary; her fey acting has a certain charm, although I always come away from her posts with the impression that she's deeply unhappy, despite all the money and style and attempts to look like a feminine fashion plate from the 1950s. The campy style itself suggests profound dissatisfaction. I think most trans persons who are happy with their lot want to get on with their lives, not be stared at. I get the need to make a bundle, but goodness, Dylan's made it.

The point is: her unhappiness comes through. In a commercial too. That's a number one reason for the failure of the commercial.

The second: people bond over what they already have in common--not over something making them feel uncertainty or discomfort. Or sometimes hatred.

A successful commercial might have shown young people bonding over the taste of Bud Light. Then, once that bond is secure, they bond over something else. The difficulty: all this must be accomplished in 48 seconds, if the Dylan Mulvaney spot is anything to go by. Silly me, I thought we had an entire 60 seconds!

So how about this: 30 seconds of lip-smacking over Bud light. Then 15 of a trans young man or woman walking in and saying, "Hey! Can I have some!" Then the critical next 3 seconds:

"Sure, Buddy!" says the top banana

"This is my bro, Tom!" says the second banana. Pop of can opening, sip, lip-smack. "He's trans."

"Great!" All three drink.

That might work. But whatever does work will have to start with what people already share--love of Bud Light in this case--not something that makes them feel unsure, or scared, or angry.

Saturday, April 15, 2023

Chicken Innards and Turnip Greens: a Fast, Delicious Stir-Fry

The spectacular weekly market in Chateauroux, France, boasts the freshest of young turnips sprouting vitamin-filled greens, gorgeous artichokes--gorgeous everything--fresh organically-fed chickens, cheeses, breads, croissants .  .  .extraordinary aromas. 

I got a chicken and some turnips I'm planning to make with polenta in a few days, but for lunch today I stir-fried the innards (including the neck) in a tablespoon of olive oil, salt, pepper and garlic powder. A single tip: soak all innards in milk for about half an hour; drain and rinse. This makes them taste better. I threw in the washed, chopped greens after the innards had been frying about a minute:


 I let everything fry, stirring occasionally, for about five minutes:


and then ate:


The chicken juices, salt and pepper gave the greens a great flavor. The neck wasn't edible, but almost everything else was. Simon the cat appreciated licking the remains.


Monday, April 10, 2023

The Tennessee Three: Keep them in the News!

Gloria Johnson, Justin Jones and Justin Pearson, the Tennessee three, who bullhorned their protest against guns, breaking the so-called "decorum" of the legislature, should be getting more coverage and more support.  

They haven't, in the wake of another story: classified documents showing up on social media.

We may not be able to do much about electronic invasions of national security, but we should support these brave three. They risked doing the right thing, preventing children, teachers, ordinary law-abiding citizens from falling victim to violent gun-owners. After the March 27, 2023 mass shooting at The Covenant School in Nashville, in which three nine-year-olds and three adults were killed, Johnson, Jones and Pearson protested, and members of the GOP compared their behavior to the January 6 attack on the capitol. 

Let's compare their behavior to the folks to whom King George the third (underestimating the colonists) thought he could give "a few bloody noses," but who fought bravely and established the United States of America. Support these three in their battle for gun control; they are the underdogs with the just cause, and it is long past time that America had what Europe routinely enjoys: gun control. 

 

P.S. Justin Jones is back in, yay! For some reason they're waiting til Wednesday to bring back Justin Pearson. Why the delay?  

Tuesday, April 4, 2023

A Poem for Our Times

Think acrostically. Happy to give you a hint.

Puzzle Poem: Find the Secret Message

 

Don't worry, he has to die sometime

Unless he's actually the devil

Maybe he is

Probably not, but maybe

 

Titanically narcissistic

Really they broke the mold on this guy

Underminer of the world, that's he!

Metastatically mean

Please, some God or Gods, evaporate him.

 

Saturday, April 1, 2023

My Censored Commentary on a Certain Former President Currently Under Indictment

Curiously, B*logger (as I shall call it) sent a message today indicating that I have crossed some particular boundary of theirs; the verb they used, which begins with "v" is a slightly old-fashioned synonym for "rape." The post was published back in 2017 when James Comey was still the director of the FBI. Punning on his name, I advised readers to do the following:

Make America Read Again
Make America Love Again
Make America Work Again
Make America Help Again
Make America Hope Again
Make America Honorable Again

and in my final lines, which rhymed, but which now won't, I advised readers to re-capture American honor by (here comes the part that now does not rhyme) disposing of a certain former president whose name starts with T. I used a verb beginning with D that rhymes. 

More than ever, I cherish the hope that this unnamed but notorious former POTUS will soon be wearing an orange uniform and spending his days behind bars.


Monday, March 27, 2023

New York, Through a Haze, Darkly

I hadn't set foot in the city since 2017. When did everything start smelling of pot? West 113th Street smells like pot. Simpson Street in the Bronx smells like pot. As does White Plains Road. As does Grand Central. Penn. Broadway. Is there a pot-free street anywhere? The only place I haven't smelled the stuff is inside Town Hall, where I heard a Beethoven Quartet. My friend and I were the youngest people there and we're both sixty-six.

I wouldn't mind people doing it on the weekends, though I'll stick to a glass of red wine myself.

That sickly-sweet, skunky smell is on every block in every neighborhood. 

How do folks function at work?

I walked past Columbus Circle on my way to meet a friend for coffee. Beside the usual group of folks peddling photos and pictures of New York scenes sat a guy with a big sign: NEED WEED?

I don't. I need fresh air. So does New York.

Wednesday, March 22, 2023

Soy Sauce Chicken Marinade

I looked through a bunch of recipes before coming up with this--several involve ketchup, which I fear nearly always burns. So here's my version:

Chicken drumsticks--six or seven

About three fourths of a cup of soy sauce. Low sodium is usually better, but don't fret if you don't have it. 

About a half cup of honey (or less)

A few dashes of sesame oil--the dark roasted kind

Crushed garlic (several cloves)

Zucchini or the veggie of your choice 


Mix the honey, the soy sauce, the sesame oil and the crushed garlic in a bowl or freezer bag and add the drumsticks. Put the bag in the fridge for around two hours--you can shake the chicken around once or twice. 


Wash and slice zucchini and briefly stir fry. Put in baking dish and load the chicken on top. 


Bake at about 180 for around forty minutes; turn up heat to 200 toward the end. 


 

Enjoy!

Sunday, March 19, 2023

Anatomy of a Bestseller, with Spoilers: Where the Crawdads Sing

I was in my local bookstore in Northwestern Germany when I saw Der Gesang der Flusskrebses, in other words, The Song of the Crayfish, otherwise known as Where the Crawdads Sing, Delia Owens' 2018 surprise bestseller.What a romantic cover, I thought: a girl in a canoe paddling off into the sunset, surrounded by blurbs like "unforgettable." Snatching a copy off the shelf, I sank into an armchair, only to hear another woman rhapsodize: "It is so wonderful!" she said. "You will love it!" I was set for a love story and predisposed to one in North Carolina, since my father's family hails from there. 

A beautiful, illiterate, exploited underdog with all the odds stacked against her learns to read, becomes a brilliant naturalist, and finds true love after single-handedly fending off a dangerous, vengeful boyfriend. The whole point turns out to be this: she gets away with his murder! That's the surprising twist at the end. 

Because you hate the guy--and since none would believe the "marsh girl's" testimony against that of the handsome football hero--you're glad she did him in. With careful planning, she lures him to his doom, because that's the only way to prevent him from stalking and destroying her. 

It's not enough. I kept reading through the murder trial wondering who could possibly have killed Chase. I was looking forward to methods and motives. How about the man who loves the marsh girl and wants to protect her? But he only finds out after her death that she actually murdered the guy. A quiet survivalist kills her predator, and everyone cheers.

Not to forget structure: my edition is 368 pages long. Smack-dab in the middle, about page 182 and continuing on for five-ish pages we get various crises: the heroine is gulled by the wicked footballer who pretends to love her. Her true love and she are, for reasons not interesting enough to enter, on the outs. A perepeteia: our heroine sees her footballer's parents, suspects she won't be introduced. By page 194, the reader knows she won't and by page 208 she knows how deeply he has betrayed her.  Suspense is sustained by switching timelines every chapter. By the end, you're just dying to know whether our young heroine will convicted for a crime we think she couldn't possibly have committed; all else is whodunit.

 Many a bestseller--and TV movie--has a twist in or near the middle. Go for it, writers of bestsellers.

Maybe the book's success arises from everyone's loneliness; during COVID, we all felt isolation, and the heroine's isolation was complete. A seven-year-old child trading mussels she digs up for food! Abandoned by her mother, her father, her siblings--until one brother finally comes back. It's an old American story: a loner in the wilderness carves out not just survival but prosperity. Then there's suspense: it's "killing me--I hope it will last!" Oscar Wilde said. I wanted to find out who killed Chase, and was mildly disappointed when the marsh girl turned out to be the culprit. Perhaps the point was that she lived by the ways of animals--eat or be eaten--so had no guilt and not much memory of the murder. She wasn't gleeful about it as far as the reader knows; once it was over, she was done with it and happy to move on. She saved a poem she'd written about luring the guy to his death and a necklace she'd given him, but one feels those things were there only so that her husband (and her readers) could finally discover who the murderer was. I wanted the murder to have a meaning, possibly because I just finished Crime and Punishment, in which murder is drenched with meaning after meaning. Comparisons unfair, of course--but it does seem as though murder should leave some footprint, however faint, in the murderer's brain--not remain forgotten.