In a plot twist worthy of a bodice-ripper, Amber Heard's received a proposition from a Saudi man. In an Instagram voice note in Arabic, he promises her a life of "joy and happiness," adding,
Amber, since all doors are closing on you, you have no-one except me to take care of you. I’ve noticed some people hate and bully you, therefore I decided to marry you.
I imagine the story spinning out as follows:
Chapters 1-4: Thrilled with his carpeted private jet, especially the gold toilet seats and faucets, gobsmacked by diamond earrings he gives her and her daughter, delighted by the delicious meals, foot massages, your-wish-is-my-command style of the man, who is terrifically handsome, she says yes.
Chapter 5: The marriage takes place on the plane. He makes purple passionate love to her and feeds her figs and cream for breakfast. She is unaware of his having removed her and her daughters' passports.
Chapters 6-12: Life around the palace gets a little dull. He's gone all day in meetings after promising to take her places and go dancing.
Chapters 7-13: She complains. He advises her to leave him alone. She knocks his coffee cup out of his hand, spilling hot coffee over his fresh white thawb. He slaps her. She screams. (We will "draw a curtain" over the rest of the scene).
Chapters 14-20: She notices her phone is gone. She doesn't dare ask where, and begs a trusted servant for a burner. The trusted servant agrees, but does not appear at the agreed-upon meeting time; Amber never sees her again.
Chapter 21: Amber begs another servant for a burner, handing over the most expensive piece of jewelry given to her by the Saudi prince. This time, she reaches the U.S. Embassy, and learns how difficult it may be to get her out.
Chapter 22: She texts Johnny: "I know we've had our differences, but I really appreciate you now! I'm sorry I was kind of mean! Please, please, please, rescue me and I'll be really nice from now on!"
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