The Ballad of Amber and Johnny (to the tune of "Please Mr. Jailer")

I can't seem to take sides--they're both so childish. But it's fun to re-imagine old songs:

The Ballad of Amber and Johnny*

 

Please Mr. Jailer,

Won’t you lock ‘em both up now!

Please Mr. Jailer!

‘Cause they’re not highbrow!

 

He don’t belong in my life ‘cause he’s guilty as can be

But the only crime he’s guilty of is simply boring me.

But, you big courtroom, I like this here jamboree!

 

Hey judge she’s lying—I wasn’t boring at all!

Hey, judge she’s stupid! ‘Cause I got the biggest balls

Hey, judge she’s so wrong! ‘Cause I’m still handsome me!

 

He don’t belong in my life ‘cause he’s not Jack Sparrow now!

He’s fatter and he’s older than my sense of self allows!

I used to think he’s cute but (face palm) now I don’t see how!

 

Hey, Judge, she’s not nice—she cut my finger tip too

Hey, Judge she’s freaky—she left a gift of her poo

Hey, Judge, I’m tired—I really think she’s cuckoo!

 

All Rise, here’s my verdict—both of you kids stand up straight!

All Rise, here’s my verdict—and I won’t placate!

Miss Manners is waiting for you outside the courtroom gate

She’ll tutor each of you now! Her method is first-rate

And when she’s done with you, you’ll know the golden rule is great!

 

Oh, Mr. Jailer,

We’re more polite than you think!

Whoo-hooo!

Oh, Mr. Jailer!

Sorry both our stories stink!

 

*To the tune of “Please Mr. Jailer,” from his least known and possibly most brilliant film, Cry-Baby (1990)

 

Watch the original. Fasten your seat belt for “the lick” and “the growl”