Top Six Alternative Truths You Didn't Know About Donald Trump

1. His real name is Dawid Thaman;  "Donald Trump" is an Americanization.* 

2. He lives up to his original Arab name, Dawid, which means "Prince," and "Thaman," which means price or worth.

3. His real dad was a Saudi Oil executive who had a little trouble with, oh never mind who, I promised not to tell.

4. Little Donald, or rather Dawid, arrived on American shores a thin, undernourished refugee child, quickly picked up the Queens accent for which he is known, adopting rep ties and suits with padded shoulders, and shed his past like a snake his skin. 

5. A Presbyterian church sponsored him, but the pastor has begged me not to identify it ("We're so afraid he'll start banning Presbyterian immigrants!") 

6. Trump's traumatic childhood accounts for his tendency to forget his origins--let's make allowances. Send him love, adoration, prayers! All faiths welcome. We think you should get back to your true self, Donald, and recognize the faith into which you were born. Don't be a self-hater, or a self-inflater! Remember your origins. 

*Sources: two intrepid reporters, Deeper Throat and Deepest Throat, who moonlight as world championship fellators.

P.S. Here is my favorite European comment on our Trumpesque world: