Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Critical Mom's Guide to Aging, Part two

The Duchess of Cambridge:  her worries I would like to have!  It's not gonna happen.  ("Topless Critical Mom spotted behind R.V. laundry line rubbing suntan lotion on hubby's back.  They both look fat!"  Backstory:  she hid the C-section scar but our reporter knows it's there, so we'll just photoshop it in) Phyllis Diller knew how to get a laugh out of age:  she could have yakked this into the Spot that Got A Million Clicks on You-Tube.  I cherish my anonymity, and despite my envy of the Duchess and her perfect figure, I do see the political point:  the Future Queen Has No Breasts and The Future King Does Not Bleed.  Otherwise--human, fallible, not so admirable--he's harder to idealize.  Kipling's anti-heroes, Peachy and Dan, venture, appropriately enough, to a part of the world now known as Afghanistan and set themselves up as kings.  One of them wants to marry, and the girl forced into marriage with him bites him in public when he tries to kiss her--she draws blood.  Exposed as human, the idols fall!  One falls literally--headlong off a bridge.  The other is crucified and when found still alive after a day, considered miraculous (kingly qualities returning but not there yet) and begs his way back to civilization, a broken man.  Now, the Obamas are seen in public at ball games and the daughters are spotted at the Strand bookstore in New York.  But they're not Royals.  Royal means you have to pretend you don't bleed, but then inconvenient things happen, like the fact that you do, so you have to be hustled out of Camp Bastion in--there's that country again!  Afghanistan!--because the Taliban knows that you bleed and even the British public has discovered this, but only refers to it nervously, as when Princess Diana received the congratulations of the press upon producing "an heir and a spare."  Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is currently being advised to produce same.  But let's look the other way because we need our goddesses and our gods!  They save us from our worst impulses.  When we can't see their clay feet we don't have to look at our own.   When they remain invulnerable, they can protect us from the bogeyman.  When will we all grow up?  Once upon a time, when we grow up, the Duke and Duchess will get some privacy, and they won't have to be royal anymore.  They won't get to keep those palaces but they'll probably keep most of the money, so we don't have to worry about them too much.

No comments:

Post a Comment